Sunday, April 5, 2009

Am I really doing this? Leaving my known and not all that happy life to go around the world? I hardly think I 'm worthy of this. I feel guilty for being privileged this way when there is so much I need to do in my life to stabilize my circumstances.
On top of that, I leave a cloud of emotional disappointment and regret, which will, I am confident wait for my return.
I'm trying to start a business on my own and I am not a business man by any definition. I have been juggling my energies between tears and passive acceptance, not really looking forward to the trip so much as having no preconceived notions of how it's supposed to be.
I do look forward to being with Jesse and I do wish his brothers could be with us too, but who knows, maybe there will be time for that yet.
In all honesty I find this blog business, much like My Space and the like to be an exercise in self importance, but a few people insist that they want to know about my trip and I, ambivalent at best, wondering about my role in anyone's life and if I can be at peace with that or refuse. I have concluded I can in fact refuse to participate in anything that is not healthy for me or in my best interests.

So I dispassionately am going to try my hand at this public scribbling and let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully I won't get too drunk and rant and rave about those (and most people know who they are by now) who have hurt me most. But I won't promise. Remember, "Art is Truth" and my life has been for better or worse (frequently) been devoted to art at all costs.
Today is Sunday and I am half packed, half baked and half cocked. I baked crackers this morning, I'd always wanted to make them and imagine I will do more when I come home. I baked ginger/date/nut bars the other day and they came out ok. I'll miss being able to cook while I'm gone as it has become another exercise to fill the time alone and try the things I've been curious to try. Rice pudding has become a staple and I like Jello and cottage cheese. I guess I'm going for the comfort foods at a time when comfort is in short supply, so, as I always have, I make my own.
Tuesday I take myself to BART and SFO and am off to New York with my bags, my camera and my lap top. I'll probably make a fool of myself. Something else I've made many times too.

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